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Thursday, October 23, 2003


Keith Konior

I have a yen to voice my opinion about two films. One is reviewed here, while the other is not. In the nearly ubiquitous spirit of "bad news first," I shall tell you, Hurd, and your readers about the horribly unspeakable piece of shit that is "The Matrix: Reloaded." I LOVED "The Matrix." In my opinion, it was the last major studio release that lived up to, if not transcended, the hype attached to it. It was innovative, beautiful to look at, and had a story that devilishly played upon the fears of every "anti-technology, conspiracy-theory regurgitating" draft-dodger who ever lived. The film was lean, fast and understandable. "Matrix 2" is a jumbled mess. It constantly alludes to things that were mentioned NOWHERE in the first film, the action sequences are constant, confusing and irritatingly overlong. Ahem...Long story short, I would never have imagined that I would absolutely loathe this film as much as I do, but...This one gets no stars out of five. If you haven't seen it yet, do yourself a favor and strap a mattress to your back, buy a new tube of K-Y Jelly, and walk the seedy streets of the shady neighborhood of your choice offering your booty to the highest bidder. This movie is just shockingly bad. Well, I guess it was inevitable that this would happen. The Wachowski brothers ARE Polish after all. But, if you take this film into historical consideration, I believe that it might be the worst sequel ever made. While watching it, there was me too much rolling my eyes and saying, "holy shit." Okay, I am a little tipsy and I realize that I could rant and rave about this detestably wretched film forever, but I won't. Bad fuckin' flick.

Kristy rant like a sissy. You have always ranted like a sissy. Go have another frosty beverage nancyboy.


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